Saying goodbye

STRATUS CLOUDS

Stratus clouds are a low cloud that bring a mist of fog. It can feel eerie and yet there is a beauty to them as they move through the layers in the sky.

It had snaked over the backroad swerving in and out in the early morning drive. Fear had gripped me as I couldn’t see in front of me. The stratus cloud hung low as the fog had covered the lines that guided me to where I was going. I had lost my sense of direction.

The weather had communicated its eerie feeling that day.  Within me I felt claustrophobic about the moist air that had blown over the road’s surface. The gentle wind had taken the fog along the course of the road leaving no visibility so I pulled over on the side of the outlet in hopes that it would eventually diminish, and the sky would clear. For now, fear held me still.

I had known this same fear when dad had to say goodbye. It was cancer that had beat him down the second time around. Flying into Oregon’s airport I arrived at the hospital shortly after he had gotten there. My sisters would follow as we gathered to mourn the inevitable.

Dad looked at me before the IV of morphine had entered his veins. Not knowing what was going to happen next, my arms wrapped around him as I said I love you.  He had looked older now and much more weathered as life had taken its toll on him. The many stories he had told were left behind while others remained inside of him.  Leaving the room for the nurses to administer the IV’s content. I left towards the hall and waited.

Entering back into the room my sisters and I began to reflect on memories from the past. A story we had recalled was when we were younger, and dad would stare at us and begin to move his ears back and forth as a way to distract us or to create laughter.

Dad had already had the medication in his system and had looked like he was asleep while being put under and no longer able to speak. At this point we assumed he couldn’t hear or understand us when we were talking.  It was my older sister Julie that glanced over at dad and said “Look” Dad is moving his ears.  It was pure joy as we saw a glimpse of life. It was the most precious moment that he was able to give us before his earthly life had ended. He heard our conversations, our laughter and our mourning. He heard our memories and sorrows as we reflected the past and now the present.

It was time to leave the Oregon landscape to go home to my family. Fear had come once again as I said goodbye to dad. Gripping him hard and not wanting to let go I left the room walking out the doors of the white walls that enveloped the man that raised me, taught me and fed into chapters and pieces of my life.

Driving back home to the airport I grabbed a cup of coffee and wept quietly as I watched people pass by.

Landing back home in Colorado the sun shone brightly as I got off the plane and saw my family. Embracing each one of them with gratitude I knew my days were numbered. How many more I had left I wasn’t sure. Looking back, I felt the time I had with dad was not nearly enough. There were still conversations to have. Stories that needed to be told and wisdom to be given.

I had gotten older and matured in my once childish ways now grown into adulthood with more reflective thoughts. I had a better understanding of the challenges that had surfaced within life’s patterns and how to navigate through the many trials that have come my way. But I also saw happiness and the process of joy that happens within the stories of our lives. Fear had left and the cloud with it.

Above me the blue skies were bright, and the fog had lifted as I grieved the loss of my father and letting go, I said goodbye. Dad died the next day.

I carry his stories and his wisdom that have often taught me. Now, what was once passed onto me I have passed onto my children. He was an influence in my life. The thing is, we all have people that influence us for the better. Consider someone that influenced your life and gave you a portion of wisdom to live by. What was the wisdom that you now carry?